Becoming Fiona

On my 57th birthday, three years ago, I was invited to do a renaming ceremony with a

very gifted and wise shaman. My understanding, perhaps my naive belief, was that I

would receive a spiritual name from my soul — one that would be my own for those

times when I was in meditation, channeling, grounding. One that would be held close to

my heart—and soul—within the quiet confines of my own mind.

I had no idea, nor was I prepared for, the reality that this is the name—the identity—that

my soul revealed she wished to be called for the rest of my experience in this lifetime.

Adopted at six weeks old, I was born into a world where identities can change and shift

seamlessly. My birth mother named and baptized me as Mary Louise O’Leary (after

her mother), and less than two months later, I legally became Elizabeth Ellen Wallace

when my adoptive parents chose me as their daughter.

As both Mary Louise and Elizabeth Ellen, I was born unto and into families where a

great many expectations were placed upon such a tiny being. Despite all the love, and

reassurances that I was “wanted”, being surrendered for adoption left me feeling

unlovable, unworthy, and discarded. It is my primal wound, one that I have been

seeking to heal in various forms my whole life.

These types of beliefs lend themselves to creating devoted people pleasing skills, and I

became magnificently creative at learning to serve and take care of the adults in my life.

What was borne out of a sense of survival as a child invariably manifested itself in my

adult relationships, weaving continuous patterns of over-giving and over caring for

others, while putting myself —and my needs — at the back of the line.

Of course, this is the backwards attempt of the psyche to gain validation, love, worth; it

is external and fleeting. There is a constant black hole that can only be temporarily

filled because there is no inner foundation. It took me decades of soul searching and

brutally honest spiritual work to realize that my purpose on this earth was not to serve

the needs of everyone else. My purpose in all of this, especially my primal wound, has

been to learn that I am, by virtue of being, enough. I am worthy and lovable and

deserving of all that there is to be experienced in this lifetime.

This is true for every human being.

My soul knows this. All of our souls know this. So when I did this renaming ceremony,

my soul declared that she wished to be known as Fiona. When I asked her why, she

said that Fiona is the warrior of JOY, and that it was time for me to declare my right to

experience true joy, true freedom, true love for myself.

What better time—as I turn 60— to step into this energy, this belief, this way of loving

myself? I claim the empowered version of me, my wisdom and my soul’s purpose, as I

become Fiona— the true, authentic expression of love that I have always been.